You still have no idea, do you?

I don’t think you realize how hopelessly in love with you I was. At least, I think it was love; infatuation had never felt like that, and that pain certainly never lasted this long. Granted, it has subsided, but it keeps rearing its ugly head up from the pit I find myself falling into, all too happy to lock its teeth into me and drag me farther into the depths. That particular monster has shifted colors on me many a time from a devastating heart-aching blue to a vile green that makes my stomach twist in shame. Despair, Hate, and Envy were constant companions for a while.

Who did you think you were to treat me like that? After trying to figure out what was wrong with me for longer than I like to admit, I finally acknowledged I wasn’t the problem. But that leads to the question of why. Why look? Why lie to me? Why come back to leave again? Do you truly hold no regard for the other person whose life you were destroying? You got to walk away like nothing happened while my world blew up. On some level, I’m grateful for the wake-up call. I would have stayed in the routine of suburbia till it probably killed me. But my inability to understand your reasoning frustrates me. Like understanding your reasoning will make it better. It's a ridiculous notion, I know. Because there is no good reason. You wanted to have your cake and to eat it too.

I was all too happy to chase after you. In this world, manipulators love-bomb you to gain a foothold and slowly twist the relationship. Whereas ADHD people just love loudly and passionately; some might even say obsessively. I thought you were like me, I wished you were like me. The way you used to talk to me about “us.” I pictured everything, any possible scenario we could be together. At first, it was joyful, proposals and holidays. Then you told me you had a kid, and after the shock wore off, the gears shifted. It was summer road trips and building a family with you. Seeing the joy on my mom's face when she realized she would indeed be a grandmother, in a roundabout way. I pictured you coming home from work to an impromptu pool party cause all the kids showed up on a Friday after school. The house is full of laughter, music, and the sound of bare wet feet trying to scurry into the kitchen to steal a bite while I cook. Because we are the fun house with an open-door policy where everyone feels safe with full bellies. Having to have two full fridges plus a deep freezer because feeding teenage boys is no easy task.

Then you told me you were married, and the pictures shattered. I would love to say that's where it ended. I stuck to my morals because I could never cause another woman pain like that. But remorsefully, I have to admit I let my mind wander down less than respectable paths. I was so desperate to be by your side I tried to imagine a world where being the other woman would work. I’m stubborn but usually intelligent. In those fleeting moments, I let one take the reigns while the other was hogtied in the back. That’s when I knew it couldn’t have been real. Because no one who loved me would put me in that situation. No one who loved me would treat me like that.