When you begin to see a light at the end.

There’s an odd reality that begins to settle in when therapy begins to work. It takes time and it feels like no progress is being made but then you have these breakthroughs. My dad told me the shark girl in Nimona reminded him of me. I know it was meant to be a compliment but it just solidified the way he saw me and missed the truth of the situation. She suffered from trauma. She was only like that because she was forced to adapt to survive. In the beginning, she was just sweet and playful. She became a confident sarcastic violent angry girl after surviving through hell. It wasn’t as much a quirky character design but the result of trauma.

One can choose what parts of that person they want to keep when they begin to heal. I will never part with my dark sense of humor or sarcastic wit. I earned them the hard way. I guess one could say I enjoy the spoils of war. But knowing that he still only saw me as the angsty black sheep in the family was a slap in the face. I worked so hard to be better. To be someone worth the love and friendship I wanted. Yes, I was still rough around the edges but, I wasn’t bad anymore. If you were a stranger you might even call me pleasant. But to him, I’d always be the murder-happy shark, in an endearing way. I know he doesn’t see me as the problem child anymore. But he still doesn’t see the monster he created that I’ve been trying to redeem. And I have in part. I know I still have more to work on but I’m a different person now. I deserve love and friendship not because I’m redeemed, but because I was never a bad person to begin with. I have done bad things; most of which were in the name of survival in a sense. But I am not a bad person. I’m just human.