Sitting at a bar waiting ...

So, the last month has been full of anxiety and excitement (when I let myself enjoy it). I’m moving! I’m leaving everything I know and traveling in my RV full-time. I have a home base rented in Georgia, so I always have a place to park. It’s back to the original plan in a long, convoluted way. When I first decided to do this, I “planned” to live on the road full time and upgrade my truck this year, the rig next year, and then buy an RV lot the third year. I had it all mapped out in my head, thinking it would be easy. Well, maybe not easy, but it's easier than the alternative. Staying in my hometown, trying not to be dragged into the bullshit. But like every great plan, it immediately blew up. After finding a new job that paid better and would let me travel, I went to start booking my stay on my next road trip. But then a problem arose. I couldn’t seem to string back-to-back RV sites together affordably. So I moved into the Airbnb and got comfortable and confused. All of a sudden, I was both happier and more miserable all at once. I was doing the work, learning about myself, processing my trauma, and finding a new light. I was advocating for myself. I was able to get the medical help I needed, and I felt better than I ever had before. Living by yourself is liberating. But losing your home, friends, family, and pets; everything you have and starting over somewhere alone is never wracking. Honestly, that’s not even the right word.

I decided enough is enough. I’m not taking anything less than what I deserve. I’m a good person. Flawed and stubborn, sometimes wrong, but good nonetheless. I’m attractive, smart, educated, and charming. I’m a fucking catch. I deserve someone who treats me like I am and who makes me feel like I am. The way I love and the intensity in which I do so is not everyone’s cup of tea, but that doesn’t mean I have to share my light and receive a diminished return, no matter how honest. And if we’re being honest, it wasn’t honest often. The effort and love I put into my relationships were often not reciprocated. It was often ignored in favor of the other person's insecurities or apathy.

My ex-husband is a good man, but he’s not the right partner for me. We don’t love the same way, and as you know, you can’t change a person. You can only change the way they treat you. So I did just that. I changed the way my ex treated me by removing the expectations I had. He’s a great friend and business partner. We will stay friends till the day we die. He is my person and always will be. But he’s not meant for me in that way. He needs someone who can give him space and support and, honestly, someone who is not as awesome as me. Cause if you have this much to offer, you deserve just as much in return. And that is not how my ex sees relationships. It’s not a constant courtship; it’s an agreement to live and support each other as equally as possible without much frivolous romance. I feel partially to blame because when he tried to show attention like that, he often flopped hard, and I found it adorable or awful, depending on the timing. It’s not something that comes naturally to him, which is ok. It just means he’s not the person for me. I’m not a bad person for admitting that and moving on.

(Originally written June 29, 2023)

City: St. Augustine

Restaurant: Ice Plant Bar

Cocktail: Last Word (with Egg White)