Lovesick Letter 1

(So part of my healing is journaling, as recommended by the professionals I pay copious amounts of money to in hopes I don't do something stupid. Part of the process is also writing letters to people. Now I don't need to send these letters but where is the fun in that for you guys? So here is one of the probably many letters I will be posting)

I’m sitting here under the stars listening to people laugh in the background alongside the crickets and I can’t help but think “would you be happy with this?”. Would you feel as calm and serene as I do? Just enjoying the moment away from phone calls and the real world. I imagine looking over at you and you’re smiling at me with that look in your eye. You’ve been caught watching me again but you don’t look away. You just continue to stare at me like I’m some work of art that you can’t help but soak in. Then you catch me smiling at you and your smile back. Just enraptured in the moment. At least that’s how it used to feel. I was always shocked to catch you staring like that. I loved it and I sometimes knew you were doing it before I looked over. But it was always still a surprise. Honestly most times I assumed I would turn to look at you having thought I caught you, only for you to be doing something completely different. It was always a shock to see that look on your face. So raw, so honest. I thought no one could genuinely look at me like that. But you did, or maybe my first instinct still rings true. You walked away. No, you vanished. The man who told me he wanted to be buried together. That he wanted to spend whatever afterlife he could with the woman who made him love again. Even if it was just our bones amongst the worms. Macabre and poetic, my tiny little Addams heart was doomed. I thought I had found my Gomez. (Hats off to those of you who understand that reference)

Passion. That’s what I’m missing in my relationship. And yes somewhat of that honeymoon stage passion. The ‘can’t keep our hands off each other and are just hopelessly in love’ passion. But also that deep passion. That need for the other. That on the right day that slight brush of your hands sets a fire in me. I look at you when I’m broken and raw and feel how deeply you love me. That when everything is about to break you will fight to keep me, passion. I need you like that. Being away from you for too long makes me sick kind of need. You are constantly on my mind. Running a marathon through every thought. Like this moment. Sitting under the stars trying to heal and I can’t help but think about you, and how much I miss you.

If this is what love feels like I need it. I need to feel as good as I did with you again. Life isn’t worth living without that feeling. But I have no idea how to find it again. I’ve never felt like that before. I know what infatuation feels like. I kept telling myself that was all it was. But I knew deep down I was lying to myself. I knew that this was a whole other level. That I’ve been infatuated before I know how it feels. All doubt left my mind once it ended. Being ghosted by an infatuation sucks, but I rebound quickly. But this feeling. This is heartbreak. This is realizing that being able to feel good is gonna take a long time. Acknowledging that finding someone I feel like this about again is a rarity, and I have to be ok with that. That I would come running back like an idiot if you just smiled at me. Because I have lost all pride where you are concerned. Which sounds like such a toxic thing. Maybe we are toxic, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.