I love you..... but

There had to be a catalyst. The straw that broke the camel’s back, as the saying goes. My straw was a 6ft man who we will be referring to as New Dan.

No that’s not his name, yes that is what we referred to him as in my house for a while (That’s a story for another time).

New Dan came into my life like a whirlwind. I thought he was the prize at the end of the tunnel, but it turns out he was just the bookend to my mental health break. He was everything I wanted and nothing I could have all at the same time.

We met online, which is not the most reliable way to find a decent person, but what options does a girl have nowadays? I was hesitant at first. His profile was a bit pompous, and if I’m being honest, I only swiped right because he was 6’4” and cute. I figured if all else failed, he might be able to throw me around in the bedroom like I was craving before deleting that number. Whatever plans I had were quickly thrown out the window. He was sweet, romantic, funny, successful, dominant, possessive, … I would even go as far as to say loving. Looking back, I should have known loving and love are two very different things.

He said he was divorced with a kid. If you knew me, that last part is normally a deal breaker. I don’t have kids and don’t want them (regardless of what my breeding kink says). But he was different. I started picturing a life I never thought I wanted: the big white wedding dress, the kids, the housewife dream.

Now I hear you saying, but who is married? Here is the kicker… both of us! See, I’m in an open marriage which I will talk about at some point. It has its ups and downs, and I have my reasons. But note how I said both of us. As in, he told me about the first wife but not the second one.

Here I am, imagining running away from the life I’m dying from into this beautiful fantasy. But that’s all it was ever going to be. After a very passionate courtship, talk of marriage and kids, and finally finding someone that made me feel like I could breathe again, it all came crashing down.

The men in my life have this habit of saying I love you for the first time followed by some contradiction.

“I love you, but you’re not the one” (told to me by my current husband)

“I love you, but I’m married.”

I want someone to tell me they love me for the first time and stop the fucking sentence there. No caveats, no red flags; just I love you.