I fell back into bed

I know I should have walked away.

I was honestly a little excited to find someone that would better mesh with what I was looking for. I figured after a week there was no way he was coming back. But I woke up the day after I got back from my trip and there his name was on my phone. I didn’t hesitate to open that stupid message. I was a bitch in heat for that fucker.

I could lie to you and say he said all the right things but he had excuses left and right. He didn’t deserve me, he couldn’t blow up his kid's life. I’m not saying they aren’t good excuses but still. I’m just so lost in him that I can’t help myself. I know this is going to blow up. But as my therapist points out I thrive in chaos, I seek it out like a fucking bloodhound. Growing up in an abusive chaotic house I feel normal in the mess. It’s oddly comforting.

He’s sweet and passionate and chaotic. He’s constantly moving, constantly pushing himself. It’s destructive and of course, my dumb brain thinks I can fix him. I know I can’t. I know he’s not going to leave his life and settle down with me. I know he’s not going to travel the states with me in my RV. But fuck if I don’t imagine it. He’s affectionate and dominant. We go out and his hands are around my hip, he’s pulling me into him and kissing the top of my head. Like how am I supposed to fight that? He’s the kind of guy I can turn off my alpha side with. Don’t get me wrong I still like being an independent brat but I like knowing I’m going to lose. Being the biggest, loudest, scariest kid on the block growing up has led to me just having that guard on all the time. Even with my partner. Don’t get me wrong I let my guard down and play submissive but that’s all it is, an act. I know if I pushed he would bend, cause he's a kind considerate person. But fuck me if that isn’t a turn-off in the back of my mind.

So here I am back in bed with someone who is unavailable. I know I’m just delaying the inevitable. But walking away from this is going to break me and I just started to feel alive again. It’s selfish to continue with my bad behavior, I know this. But damn it I’m going to be the succubus this once and thrive for the short time I can.