Healthy? No. Working? So far.

I told someone I was still journalling which was a bold-faced lie. That would require me to think, which is the last thing I want to do most days. Instead, I try to stay busy with everything else; and when I'm not busy there is always that ever-helpful little friend thc. I told myself I was going to go cold turkey this month. That lasted less than 24 hours. I'm just stuck for a while. There isn't much I can do about it.

So I will keep my legal and arguably healthier coping mechanism, thank you!

Granted, even pretending to be a functioning adult might help a bit. So here I am. Trying. Hurting, high, and fucking over it. I keep falling for the same shit and slipping back into the same hole. I'm smarter than this. I'm better than this. But I'm here all the same. You know that lonely that feels like ice is shattering right through your chest. I know that hollow feeling is just around the corner and if I don't fight it the pain stops faster. It's replaced with numb. But you have to suffer through that ice that freezes so deep it burns. But at least it's familiar so you just close your eyes and slip. Let it tear you to shreds in moments and leave you numb for hours. It sure beats the alternative.

But instead, I smoke till I don't care. Healthy? No. Working? So far.