Comfort my ego

“My wife, who I’m leaving, isn’t as freaky with me as she was with others, so my ego is bruised, and I want you to make me feel better. I think she’s cheating, so I went through her phone.”

Pot, Kettle, Black!

I was such a fool. I thought I had found something special. The provider, the protector, the nerdy tall guy who can fill my fantasies. I found a man-child that liked the compassionate friend I could be. I still have to leave my husband. My lack of true connection with him doesn't change the fact I can’t lie to myself any longer. 2 am is my dark hour. I lay in bed trying to figure it out, convincing myself it’s worth moving forward. Cause most nights, I just want to end it. I know it’s the coward's way out. My brain tries to tell me that it would be easier on everyone, but the truth is that it would only be easy for me. They would be left with the consequences and pain of my decision.

I tried to convince myself I could be okay with good enough last night. I could make my husband's life great and be ok with that. Be all the things he believes I can be. Go back to 9-5. Be that double income with no kids house that has all the toys and takes all the trips. It would be the easiest thing. Forget everything and just pretend, but that’s how I got here. I’m realizing I’ve been doing that for much longer than I want to admit. I’ve been unsatisfied with my life but so scared of change and failure I just kept my head down. I would create some arbitrary future goal that I could look to. Once I managed that, it would all get better. Spoilers, it never did. Time and time again, the degree, the job, the wedding, that feeling always lingered in the back of my mind. Seeing the world fall apart and being isolated with my thoughts, I couldn’t ignore it anymore. My own mortality was an ice bath reality needed to give me.

(Originally written on Jan. 10, 2023)

So I said no. I walked away. I’m starting over. No husband, no home, no pets, no family. Just me, a truck, what I can pack into my RV, all in a new state. But that’s a longer story for another time.